“he knew that ‘i love you’ also means ‘i love you more than anyone loves you, or had loved you, or will love you,’ and also, ’ i love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you,’ and also, ‘i love you in a way that i love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.’”—jonathan safran foer.(via savethequeen) (via loveliketruth)
This is how it works. You're young until you're not. You love until you don't. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry. You cry until you laugh. And everyone must breathe, until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like, and try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made, and stick it into someone else's heart.
No matter what the fights are, you know that we love each other more than anything.
Come back when you don’t have to wonder if I’m the one for you.
I can’t justify looking for someone else to love knowing you exist. If I was surrounded by everyone in the world, I’d still be lonely without you right infront of me. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I will only ever need you.
Accomplishing these 5 items every chance i get. The gym has been going well. I can’t believe i fit more than 2 hours of workout time into my schedule; not that i do anything important anyways. Sigh i dont even know myself anymore. For now, lets just go with the flow and do whats best for me. I’ll always be here. I’m never leaving; just taking a vacation you could say…
Like all of a sudden, I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not in school, not at home, and every time I turn around another person I’d known forever felt like a stranger to me…
Even I felt like a stranger to me.
School then passed out resumes’ with TR3 in the morning time. Then got TL and went to gym from 4 to 830pm. Finally got a chance to go bike riding @9pm. It was so cold. Gave me sniffles. TL almost died ROFL <3 Sho funny. Not tired or sore just not content. I got a call for one interview.
Tuesday @11am -
You loved me, and i took it for granted. I just want you to know that you may be a heartless mean ruthless princess but to me deep down inside you are something beautiful. Something that each time i hear or see you it makes me want to just at least be by your side again. I dont know where our love is, but we’re so mad at each other for not giving each other what we needed. I’m sorry but i’ll do anything for you. I know its too late but please, you have my heart, you take it each time. You make me think about the first time we talked. Those endless nights were the best ever. I wish i could go back in time and just stop the clock there because those moments were perfect. I wish i could show you those perfect moments now because they’d be so much better. If you could just give me that one chance, i’ll make everything the best i can. I may not be your prince charming taking you away to my castle, but i know i can do my best and show you and give it my all this time around and show you what love really is. A dozen roses a day wouldnt even be able to explain how i feel right now, i would go to the mountains and start mining diamonds just so that you could wear it around your neck. I love you so much. <3
I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.
SHES SO STUBBORN. GIVE ME A GOD DAMN CHANCE! I’M RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU. I’LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I FFFUUGGIN LOVE YOU BBBABEEE. I FUCKING WILL GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF FOR YOU. I’M SORRY I DONT SAY THIGNS TO YOU AS I SHOULD BUT HOW CAN I WHEN YOU CANT EVEN SHOW OR TELL ME THAT YOUR GONNA GIVE ME A CHANCE. GIVE IT TO ME AND I’LL PROVE YOU WRONG WITHIN A SECOND. I’M FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I’M NEVER GOING TO STOP. >:| ha.
As bummed out i am , its gonna be okay this time. Change is hitting home fast. I don’t know whats really up lately. i just know that i need to change now because every moment counts. Who knows when something can happen. This time — things will be okay. things will be different. If you need me, i’ll be here.
Been taking care of myself lately. I miss my best friend lately. Spring break was way fun. Going to the gym was the best thing that happened to me. i need to get that lifestyle back on track. I applied at a couple job places that i could see myself working. Hopefully i could get a couple calls back. I really need to start saving money though.
On Friday i’m planning a beach outting. Just to go skim boarding. Maybe i’ll end up going on my own with a couple friends. Thats always all good. Pack some burgers and dogs and head out to the beach and have a good time. Can’t wait for that. I cant believe its THURSDAY already X]. I guess time goes by fast when your awake half the night watching movies.
Anyways. Asking LinhAdams about prom. Got a thumbs up. Although very awkward, right now, hopefully the both of us can get it together and i can show her who i really am now. Shes shoo qeew. I havent really notice her because i havent really seen her lately and half the time shes beating me up but man WOW, shes beautiful. Hopefully i can get myself together before its to late and i lose a chance to win her back even though it seems like shes already giving it to someone else :. Well this is a long post.
Issabeellaa Pham came through today and we ate at Santana Row’s Straits :D. i laabs her. Maybe i can get her to meet both TL’s. Alright its 3AM time to hit the hay. Nights.
“There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.”—Ally McBeal (via ikverwonder) (via mypaperheart) (via shweetzombies)
“I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive.”—Running With Scissors (via littlemiss)
Sigh. You kill me a little each day. But i’ll be okay. hopefully.
Goals for this week: SkimBoarding till i get it right.
I’ve been sick. Too bad the world around me doesnt stop, even when i’m about to die in this 90 degrees weather with a fever of 103. Good thing i got AC in my house and my fever went down. I’m _______________. Dissapointed. Sigh.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I need a job.
I’ll be okay. Time to reach goals and live the life i want.
"Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold. It's for those willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."
“Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweat and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. and most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong.”—
I remember when i thought i would have your heart forever.
Day 1 of 60
Wow. i cant even explain what i feel like right now. I have a fever; 103 and its not going down. It’s fine. I will take full responsibility and take care of myself. I’m drifting away and i dont want to be saved. Enough said, i need alone time.
I love you everyday. And if thats what i need to do to get you back then i guess so. But right now i need to let myself grow. If in the process we may grow apart and you being to build relationships with others then so be it. I will surely miss you but dont ever think that i stopped loving you because i’ve never ever stopped loving you.
Broken hearted but i’ll recover. Life is what you make of it and right now i’m building it, i need you to get the fuccckk outta here if your only here to knock me down because i’m at a point in my life where i’m going to literally kill you.
Tearing me up inside. Feels like i’m being buried alive.
I miss you. x43518945624 lately. Sometiems i just want you next to me. Too laugh and smile like we used to. Hurts to lose my bestfriend </3 I think the gym is paying off. I’m slowly shaping up. Hoping to get a job soon. Sadly i have a “shy” side to me. Yeah, i can hear everyone say bullshit. but there are those days where i just dont want to deal with anyone and i dont care about anything and just focus on myself. Sigh. I hope i can stay sober. No more weed, alcohol, or going to thizzNEYLAND. I can do it. Finish my tat on MONDAY. Adding a new one called “hope&faith.” :X
School is okay. Only got one class ‘shameful’. Too bad i give myself low standards. I know i can do better and challenge myself to improve. Family is okay. Hopefully i’m able to talk to my mom more. Things are most definitely different. Hopefully i can get my mom to be close to me once again. Friends are mos definitely better. TL & TR3 are my best. Anyone else is a mess and unless i wanna clean up, i ain’t tryna make no messes.
I cant wait till i get like 3 jobs and i’m super busy making money. -__- finally something productive to cover my useless hours spent doing “almost” important things. Although most of those hours are spent with TL @ the gym or bettering personal looks. Well things are content. Hopefully my camera is getting in by next week. I can start my new hobby. oh yeah next on my list, become a somewhat chef.
You changed my life in so many ways, I just think back to how I used to be and how you dealt with me.
"Things fall apart so better things can fall together."
TL<3: Just let yourself fall apart when ‘things’ fall apart. I have another 10 days to gather myself together before i report back. I just know that from now on things are getting better. I’ve been doing a lot of explaining to my mom and we’ve both have been able to get on a level in which we can try and do our best to understand each other. I’m glad that i got a chance to talk to her and that we are now a family again, but what still seems to bother me is that everything is the same at home, all that has change is me. Can’t say its a positive or negative change, but its change for the better. Applied at like 50 jobs. TL & I have been setting a healthy looking good goal. We’ve been gym-ing everyday. ROFL. It’s nice to fix and imporve my relationship with TL. We might not be an exact definition of bestfriends, but i can say shes close. A real raw true friend. <3 On the other hand got another real raw true friend. Triet; this guy is hella real and a blast to talk to. He’s a homie and family. His mom is wwaaay cool, she got me to almost tear up talking about family and my mom. Triet and I are gonna support and help each other to get off drugs and be serious about life. Big positive motivation for me. I’ve been doing my best to stay clean. E has given me a sense of happiness but only for within those hours that i am happy and content. I think its safe to say that i have somewhat of a contentness. I’m building my foundation and its starting up slow, but its going to be a strong one because i dont plan on having it fall down anytime soon. For now, i’ll be okay. Just tryna get by and live my life.
“Trying to tell myself to move on, to own up and be strong, girl. . I keep thinking about those better days. So many things I wanna tell you, like how much I love you. I love you. Can’t believe you’ve really gone away.”—
I spend most of our time, in the wrong frame of mind. I should’ve loved you right. The time has passed, for excuses. All of my sorrys are useless but I still apologize.
There’s not a day that you’re not on my mind. You’re the only girl that I could imagine myself with for years, and years, if not forever. I just miss the feeling of coming home after seeing you or a long day knowing that you’re up waiting for my call or you’re sleeping but still manage to pick up my call because you want to talk to me. I miss how comfortable we use to be. We would stay on the phone for hours saying nothing or laughing our ass off, but we’d enjoy it because we knew that we were right there by each other. Now a days, its very rare that we have a normal conversation. People say they understand how I feel but I know they don’t. I want to forget about you because that’s the only way I can move on, but at the same time I don’t wanna forget about you because I wanna remember everything that we went through together, I wanna remember how it was like to be in love. I’m happy with my life though, when I’m hanging out with my friends it’s all good, I’m enjoying life. It’s just from time to time I have my down moments. You’ll always be number one in my heart, even though we didn’t work out and probably will never work out. I know people change, but I hate how we changed. I love you for life, and you left a big footprint in my life. I don’t know if I could speak for you, but you made me who I am today. You made a big difference/change in my life and I thank you for that. It was all my fault, and I’m sorry.
I’m holding on to hope, I know it’s foolish though. Thinking that someday she might come back, wish on it all the time, knowing it may never happen. But see I’m not a fool, cause no we don’t talk no more, you got a new man. But, I’m gonna keep the faith, cause I got the patience that some lack… But everybody says, boy why don’t you just leave it alone. But I don’t think that I can.
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.”—Arundhati Roy (via littlemiss)
Cause your heart has a lack of color. And we shouldve know that we’ve grow up sooner or later because we wasted our time alone.
I’ve lost myself. Damn wtf am I doing up this late. I should be trying to look for a joband going to school. Why am I neglecting my own family? Why am I so scared of what’s going to happen when I have nothing to lose? I’m dissapointing myself. I owe it to myself to be happy. It’s 3am I’m going to sleep.
“Lately I’ve been hoping you’d stay with me. And I could hold you close to the end of time. Maybe someday we could grab some change and run away. But for now all the tears say goodbye. Ohh how could I suvove without your love and the hope you bring. Oh even when the world is breaking down I know I have you and it’s all I need. Ohhhhh she’s my everything. Ooohhh she’s all I need.”—Daphne loves derby.
I need to stop going out this late. Its April. Didnt go to school to add classes. Hopefully i can wake my ass up at 7AM and head out to school. What the fuck did i get myself into. Sucks. The one person i thought i’d be able to trust & “thought” that would help pick me up at my worst part in my life pushes me back down. I miss my family. I miss having a family. </3 I hope you get better lil brother. I need to start setting goals for myself. This whole slacking off is bad. I’m falling off track and its not a great way to start my independence. Its hard, but i’ll work through it. Working hard for the things you love have the best outcomes. “It just all takes time.”.. Sigh. hopefully i dont give in and do anything stupid.
TuTu x3 says:
1. Stay in school. - Stop sleeping so early.
2. Go to the gym. - Stay in shape & eat healthy. If youre going to do drugs, then you have to keep yourself in shape. >:[
3. Get a fucking job. - Dont waste time if youre not making money. Make a resume. Pick your head up. Be proud of yourself and be confident. Support yourself.
4. Family. - Please do your best to stick by your family. Although they have left you at your worst, just know that this is all they can do. I’m sorry that it had to come down to all this but you’ll pull through it Woodzee.
5. Friends. - Stop pushing those who care & love you away. This is not the time to play games and not notice the people who really do want to help you. Those who are using you or insignificant to your life, please do not be around them. You’re already down. Please do not bring yourself lower than you are. Stop hurting those you love&care for you, instead love them and let them in because they are there to help and support you. Just talk and let them know because they can’t assume or read your mind. Let them know what your going through and how you feel. Sometimes they might not know what to do, work through it with them. Its probably new to them, so give them a chance, their only human too.
6. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. - Youre a big kid now. You can put those HelloKitty bandaides on yourself now. Stop hurting yourself. Stop putting yourself in situations you dont like. Be happy or content. Do things you love, but please be nice to yourself. Youre all you have. Without you nothing else would matter. Please dont do anything stupid because I know that you can make it through this. <3 I love you big brother. I’ll try my best to be here for you, but if not please take care of yourself, i’d hate to see anything happen to you. ): YOURE HUMAN. YOU MAKE MISTAKES. Forgive yourself for the mistakes. You cant do anything but move on. Dont forget about you. BE GOOD.
I love those around me who try to help. :\ just hard times. I wish she was here because i need her so bad. She could always make things better. It hurts so bad to lose her because i dont know what i did to fuck it up this time. I would do anything if i could get her back. :( I love her still. Always..
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving.”—Katharine Hepburn (via littlemiss)
Let the past be the past. </3 I just want to be honest. Can you trust me? &i’ll trust you. Will you be my family? Be my lover and my friend? I’ll catch you if you fall. Just let me know what i have to do.
Sigh. 12 pops X_X took so much out of me. I’m tired. School starts tomorrow. I forgot to sign up, so i’m going to have to walk in and hopefully the damn teachers are nice enough to add me. :X sigh these 12 weeks are gonna be hell. Work & School. Things will be okay right? I hope so. I really hope so… I dont even know where i’m at or whats up with me. I’m slipping and falling and it seems like i dont even want to get up anymore. :\ I’m not giving up, just doesnt seem like i have anything to gain anymore, but i have nothing to lose if i try. sigh. Shes taking my air and it doesnt look like i can breathe.